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Y'know...

...I never did consider words to be substitutes for actions, especially actions that are repeated over and over again.

Which means that the Nth time you cancel our date because you forgot, or overbooked, or decided something else matters more to you...

...your telling me that you really miss me and really want to spend more time with me isn't going to make much of an impression on me.

You can say that you made a mistake. You can say that you're sorry. You can say that you'll work out some other time for us to get together. But trying to make me feel sorry for you is a bad move.

Comments

( 23 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
nolly
Jul. 30th, 2003 11:27 am (UTC)
And mine, for the most part, has entirely different causes, but yeah, more time alone than I usedta have. *hugs* offered, regardless.
firecat
Jul. 30th, 2003 12:42 pm (UTC)
I don't mind the time alone, personally. I just mind when someone expects me to believe/feel that words of affection can substitute for spending time together.
nolly
Jul. 30th, 2003 12:49 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I know it's not the same situation at all, and I quite agree with you that words do not substitute for time, and that it scrapes when someone tries to make that substitution. I was kinda pinballing off the previous comment in another direction entirely, really. Anyway.
firecat
Jul. 30th, 2003 12:57 pm (UTC)
Yeah. *hugs*
firecat
Jul. 30th, 2003 12:34 pm (UTC)
"Oh, no, not again!" said the petunia.

(Or is it the same rendition that you've been having problems with all along?)

In the case I'm whining about, the flake factor is an ongoing problem, and I just sometimes have to let off steam about it.
(Deleted comment)
firecat
Jul. 30th, 2003 12:48 pm (UTC)
Oh, crap. I'm sorry.
(Deleted comment)
firecat
Jul. 31st, 2003 08:23 am (UTC)
Less of that sour angst filling is a good thing, yeah.
submarine_bells
Jul. 30th, 2003 03:41 pm (UTC)
*sympathy*
kyubi
Jul. 30th, 2003 11:36 am (UTC)
mrrt?

*headbumps*
lysana
Jul. 30th, 2003 12:05 pm (UTC)
Eesh. *hugs*
lcohen
Jul. 30th, 2003 12:14 pm (UTC)
*hugs* offered.
caprine
Jul. 30th, 2003 12:32 pm (UTC)
I had that relationship. Several times. The forgetting of dates is particularly odious. In my experience it indicates that the suddenly pervasive sucking sound is the relationship being sucked down the toilet. You have my sympathies. Good for you that you're standing up for yourself when someone treats you with that degree of disrespect.
femery
Jul. 30th, 2003 12:50 pm (UTC)
Ah Kiddo ... how frustrating when time is so
precious.

If only everyone remembered how much goodwill,
safety and value can be created when one takes the
initiative to invite once in awhile and keep
their appointments!

Keep speaking up for yourself!

Big Hugs,

D
rmjwell
Jul. 30th, 2003 01:59 pm (UTC)
Damn that sucks big, big rocks.

Seems to be a lot of that sort of assinine behavior going around.
bobbylevi
Jul. 30th, 2003 02:36 pm (UTC)
Yes, I agree... I've always paid more attention to actions than words!!

Reminds me of a song from "My Fair Lady".... "Show me".
submarine_bells
Jul. 30th, 2003 03:39 pm (UTC)
I "grrrr" on your behalf...
BTDT, had that relationship (or something very like it)... after enough iterations of the "I'm so sorry! I really do value spending time with you, honestly!" dance, I also find that "pitiless" is a good descriptor of my mood. Along with "sharp-toothed".

Affectionate language is a fine and splendid thing. But it should be an adjuct to affectionate behaviour, not a substitute. After having played this game a few different ways now with various people, my tolerance for it is pretty minimal. So yeah, sing it sistah.

Nuke 'em from orbit. Only way to be sure.
tedesson
Jul. 30th, 2003 04:14 pm (UTC)
mutuality
If a friend consistently fails to suggest things for us to do together, or skips things we had planned, then I begin to believe that they aren't really my friend.

If both people want it, it will happen, if one of them doesn't, I'm not going to be the only one holding the rope.

And if they want me to be sorry for their dropping their end, well there's lots of things to do with a rope.

IMHO.

I'm a really difficult friend. I have standards.
elynne
Jul. 30th, 2003 04:41 pm (UTC)
*nod* Meh. Sorry to hear about (repeated) asinine behavior in your direction. :|
grumpywitch
Jul. 30th, 2003 07:53 pm (UTC)
Yeah, what everyone else said. *hugs*
pyrzqxgl
Jul. 30th, 2003 11:15 pm (UTC)
Always the space alien, words are some of my favorite types of actions. I figure people's reaches will exceed their grasps fairly often timewise, financially, etc., but kind or (super-ugh) nasty words will stick with me. Not to change the subject, though -- I'm sorry this person is giving you the runaround and pissing you off.
firecat
Jul. 31st, 2003 08:25 am (UTC)
You're a wise space alien.

I like kind words too, but when unaccompanied by actions...I don't know, it's like trying to nourish myself on cotton candy.
louisedunn
Jul. 31st, 2003 08:14 am (UTC)
*HUGS* Yeah. What you're describing definitely scrapes.

I had words much like these with someone years ago and am now wondering if I learned enough that time around...since I have another flake in my life now and the things zie's flaking on aren't dates, but I still feel too-unimportant to zir when zie overbooks & then flakes on me with that as an excuse. Hmph.

My flake is certainly going through an icky time in zir life, but I keep wondering just how long do I have to be nice and supportive of icky behaviors that zie happens to blame on zir depression? Awhile, yes, but perhaps six months of this is enough.

So, I'm sitting here pouting fiercely on your behalf as well as my own! :)
firecat
Jul. 31st, 2003 08:33 am (UTC)
Stuff you probably know, but I'll say anyway: You don't have to be nice and supportive of icky behaviors at all. I sometimes choose to be supportive in spite of being treated badly, but it's not because I have to.

My capacity to do that wears down eventually. It depends on the amount of icky behavior and the length of the relationship before the icky behavior started and the degree to which I think the person is making efforts to change what's causing the icky behavior and various such factors.

In the case I'm complaining about, I've withdrawn some over the past year, but I still want to maintain a relationshipship with the person at this less-involved level, even though there's some irritating behavior.
( 23 comments — Leave a comment )

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