Stef (firecat) wrote,

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Do I wanna be a star?

M. asked me to join her new performaing fat grrl hip-hop dance group.

I am ambivalent. For one thing, I am concerned about taking up lots of weekend time for rehearsals that I would have to drive to. On the other hand, I would probably get something out of it. I shouldn't be so anti-performance. ("Shouldn't"? By that I mean performance is something I've felt ambivalent about, both drawn to and repelled from. I think that getting some experience in it would improve me as a person--by that I mean give me more options and choices.)

In 8th grade, I was in a singing group. We were going to perform "You're So Vain." I quit when the other members wanted to use costumes and dance steps instead of just singing. I laugh contentedly over that now because it was so nerdy of me and at the same time I am proud that I was firmly standing up for My Vision of What I Thought Singing Should And Should Not Be.

I was pretty good at standing up for My Principles in grade school. It's kind of weird that I hate conflict much more now and and less of a loner, and as a result I am more likely to "go along" with things that aren't exactly attuned to My Vision.

So now I have an opportunity to do a dance performance, with costumes and choreography, among people I belong with (fat women). Overall that feels like a good thing.

More angst: I am worried that I won't be good enough. Based on my experience in class, it takes a lot of effort for me to learn arm movements, and to remember routines of longer than a minute, and if I get tired I am more likely to forget stuff. On the other hand, M's classes are one-shots and we have very little time to learn the routine. I'm sure I'd get better at it if I could practice it more than once.

So why am I consider this sort of a "second tier" activity? For one thing, OH can't participate because it's women-only. But why should that matter? Because I also have another first tier thing, the animal shelter, that he doesn't participate in. (Doesn't is different from can't, I note.) I am also thinking it's second tier because I feel like I should devote the time I'm not socializing and doing the animal shelter stuff to learning computer stuff and crafts. (Where did *that* "should" come from? It came from thinking that I ought to specialize more. But I have always "specialized" in dance -- that is, one form or another of dance has generally been an important part of my life. I just haven't gone the performance route before.)

This year my mission is to "be my concentrated essence." The animal shelter is because I love animals and I enjoy volunteer work. So does being in a fat grrl hip-hop performance troupe count? Answer: No. Dancing hip-hop is, but the performance aspect isn't. My essence is not about performance.

So does that mean I shouldn't do it? Means I still haven't decided, I guess.

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