April 5th, 2001

red panda eating bamboo

My "warrior" symbology

Inspired by comments from beth666ann and xp85goblin:

With regard to warrior/healer, here is how I think of it. I read a book recently on the history of the martial arts in Asia, and one of the theories of the book was that as a person goes more deeply into martial arts, he (it was all he's in this book, unfortunately) moves from being a warrior, just concerned with fighting, to being more of a healer, also concerned with curing physical and emotional and spiritual wounds.

I've always had healer tendencies, and they've generally been directed outward. To put it another way, I enjoy helping other people and being available to them.

But lately I have been developing some health problems that are going to require me to spend a lot more time and energy on maintaining my own health.

For quite some time I have been kind of avoiding this because I would rather be available and soft and easy going than to be the kind of vigilant and disciplined that I'll need to practice to do this maintenance.

I am also starting to really want to concentrate on some big projects, and that will take time and discipline.

My life-partner lives with me and for the past eight months both of us have been working from home. I have had a tendency to run my schedule with a lot of flexibility so that I can accommodate spending time with him when he wants it.

I am going to need to take more control of my schedule so that I can accomplish these things. Where the "warrior/healer" symbology comes in is that if I take control of my schedule and I am no longer as available to other people, I feel kind of mean. Not just because other people want me to be available but because I *like* being available. In order to achieve this "discipline" I am going to have to allow myself to feel mean and act mean, in the sense of putting my schedule and my own maintenance and concentration needs ahead of my/others' desires for interaction.

I have also, separately-but-relatedly, been practicing not just presenting a nicey-nice face to the world but also speaking up to more of the world about how I can be a cynical nasty bitch. That's because my life-partner and I have gotten sort of a bad-cop/good-cop reputation and I think it's a bad idea, for both of us, if he is the one who is always saying all the mean things that we are *both* thinking. It's a bad idea because then some people like him less than he deserves and like me more than I deserve (that is, like me for the wrong reasons).

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