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A bitch is born

I'm turning into a bitch who speaks her mind instead of trying to smooth things over and not really say what I think. I wonder if that is part of "Be your concentrated essence." It feels good.
  • I want to be a person who speaks her mind at least some of the time.
  • I want to be a person who doesn't spend too much time trying to soothe everyone else.
  • I want to be a person who makes beautiful things for their own sake.
  • I want to be a person who thinks beautiful things for their own sake are worthwhile.
  • I want to be a person who doesn't mind making ugly things too sometimes.
  • I want to tell the truth.
  • I want to be a person who is willing to be selfish when that is the best thing.
  • I want to be a person who sometimes does things for my own pleasure
  • I want to be a person who isn't afraid of my own goddamned reading material.
  • I want to be a person who can throw out reading material unread if it looks like I'm not going to catch up on it.
  • I want to be a person who acts sometimes and doesn't just sit and think all the time.
There is this exercise about whether you are living the right sort of life: What do you want on your tombstone? Well, a tombstone is really for other people, so they would be perfectly satisfied with "She was nice all the time." But let's say my life comes to an end and the next stage is sitting there and asking myself did I spent it properly? Am I satisfied with it? If I had it to do over again, [in dreams, I am often telling myself a story, and then I start telling it over again and trying to improve it] what would I do differently to satisfy ME? Not my mom, not my other loved ones, not the Buddha, not Gaia, not any authority or person with power over me, but just plain me.

Who is "ME"? The one who tells the truth. The one who doesn't pussyfoot around. The one who squints and peers and doesn't suffer fools gladly. [nod to Women Who Run With the Wolves] The one whose breath is taken away by beautiful things and who doesn't care about being nice for the sake of making other people feel good. "Me" doesn't think there is anything wrong with that sort of being nice but it's not "me"'s thing and "me" is getting sick of always letting the nice person who shares a brain/body with "me" have control all the time.

No, I don't think I have Multiple Personality Disorder. I just think I have lots of different and contradictory ideas of how to act, and I need to revise some of the balance between them or else I am going to have my soul muffled in gauze.

I tried to do life the way Zen and the Art of Making a Living has it -- that one's livelihood should be based on what needs to be done to decrease suffering in the world and whichever part of that one's talents and interests best match. That has led me to some really good things like maintaining my collections of info and my animal shelter work. I'm not knocking it. But it's missing something.

When I did all the worksheets and questions for ZatAoMaL, I simply could not come up with a justification for how "creating beautiful things" decreased suffering in the world in any meaningful way. So I put that aside. I only allowed myself beauty in the service of function. Well, that is killing me, muffling my soul. Whether it decreases suffering or not in any meaningful way, I need to do that. I need to do beautiful and frivolous things. Maybe I will learn that doing so addresses a form of suffering that I don't yet understand, or maybe I will just decide that ZatAoMaL is incomplete.


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 11th, 2001 02:28 pm (UTC)
I want to be a person who accepts the many contradictions and paradoxes within.
I want to be a person who acknowledges that no one can be perfect or "pure," and yet strive to improve myself anyway.


re: suffering and beauty ... there are more ways to suffer than just being hungry or homeless, and creating beautiful things can relieve certain types of suffering. Beautiful art and music often relieve some of the weight I often find thrust upon my shoulders.

This is a fascinating entry and I look forward to hearing more about your transformation into a "bitch" = strong independent action-oriented woman. Say what you think!
Mar. 12th, 2001 02:57 pm (UTC)
I dunno, when I think of the term "bitch" I equate the phrase with "Female Asshole", which the world has plenty of, and doesnt need any more. If by that she means "Not a doormat", well that is one thing. If by that she means "obnoxious", well that is something else. I realize that the term may have different meanings in feminist culture. I am not that fond of caustic, hyper-agressive, hyper-competative *males* for that matter. Women are selfish and anti-social in different ways than men, that is true. I just hope that in this "bitch" thing she focusing on strengthening her backbone, not saying "Why Try" when faced with being a good person in the face of people who don't care.
Mar. 13th, 2001 04:30 pm (UTC)
I like your "accepting contradictions and paradoxes" want.
Mar. 11th, 2001 06:14 pm (UTC)
I usually find a way of speaking my mind without other people popping a blood vessel. It is an art, to be sure, but I think there is a reasonable middle ground between saying "Thank you, may I have another" when pooped on and saying "Frankly, I think you stink" to people you barely know.
I have my selfish side, and I realize that paradoxically, if I got rid of it, I would probably hate the human race for being so selfish, wasteful and uncompassionate. So, I can be purity and light and love humanity....and end up hating people. Or I can find a balance between the side of me that wants to fly jets and screw kinky and attractive women, and the side of me that wants to do the right thing and aspires to sainthood.
This sounds like what you are struggling with. And as far as I know, the struggle never really ends. The better angels of my nature will be forever calling my materialistic side a selfish, polluting swine, and my materialistic side will be forever calling my spiritual side a self-rightious prig. Sanity lies in making sure niether side completely gets the upper hand.
Mar. 26th, 2001 04:24 am (UTC)
Speaking your mind is overrated. I am now in a cooling off period with Worldforge after a lot of arguing that accomplished nothing. Near as I can figure, my main crime on that group was having a dissenting opinion too often. The confrontation about it didn't go well. No one conceded "You are right and I am wrong". I don't think that unless it is an issue of demonstrable fact that /anyone/ sincerely does that anyway. They felt I had been a jerk, I felt wronged and put upon. You can't decide those things in any kind of disinterested way. And disinterested people avoid those kinds of things like a hot potato.
Anyway, I think this goes back to my problem with groups in general and alternative groups in particular. Yeah, it is fun to think "I am not<\b> going to go along with groupthink, I am going to speak my mind and let the chips fall where they may" All you do is make enemies that way. Its overrated.
Anyway, I am going to wait for a month and not log in there. If I really think it is worth the crap I have to put up with, I will buy a graphics tablet and try to contribute. If I reevalutate my priorities, so be it, a graphics tablet can wait. That is how it is with anything I suppose, a marriage, a job, a career, there comes times when you ask yourself "Is this really worth the crap I have to put up with" sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes it is no. I have to ask myself if the creative stuff is worth putting up with groupthink. There are other issues with opening a game as well, such as spending a few years of blood, sweat and tears, not to mention money on a project that may bomb. Oh well, there are other things I can do, although on my budget, the options are limited.
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