Stef (firecat) wrote,

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This is about something very hard that's been going on in my life for more than two years. It's actually resolved now, but it wasn't on Saturday morning when I wrote this.

Slept very badly, in anxiety mode (waking up breathing heavily). Got up and talked to OH / wept on his shoulder about it. He was very helpful. and did not get defensive. He is hopeful. I am less hopeful. And I am asking myself this morning whether this is good for N. That's not for me to decide, though. What's for me to decide is what's good for me, or at least what's bad for me.

I guess the part that bugs me is this. I feel like there is the "soulful" thing to do and the "practical" thing to do and they don't match. I am afraid that if I do the practical thing instead of the soulful thing, I will lose more bits of my soul and become even more ... even less ... what is the word for what I would become? Automatic? Going through the motions. On the other hand, I am afraid if I do the soulful thing I won't be able to handle it and I will really mess up my life.

I think it's a false dichotomy. There is also the right thing to do. The right thing is not to cut things off before their time, but to see the process through. This is not a process that is going to be helped by premature action on my part.

That doesn't mean I have to like it, though.

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